They say that the two biggest things couples fight about are money and sex. We’ve certainly had our moments over the years in these areas over the year. The latest has been over money. We’ve had comingled finances since we were married nearly 15 years ago, and there’s no putting that toothpaste back in the tube nor do I want to. With a DINK (double income, no kids) situation, you could probably set up some breakdown of bills and finances that could work, but once you have kids it becomes next to impossible. For us, we make it work, despite the occasional first world money battles. The WSJ captures some of these dynamics in this article.
When you combine two people, two jobs, two different value systems, and two different sets of short-term and long-term goals, no matter how much you think you’re on the same page, there ultimately are differences. That Venn diagram simply doesn’t overlap entirely. And those edges are where the battles are fought.
Our situation is that we both make good wages, and my wife has fought and clawed her way (with a chip on her shoulder the entire journey) to a manager position, making about 10-15% more than me depending on the year. That wage discrepancy itself isn’t an issue, but sets the table for the bigger picture. As our marriage dynamic has changed over the years, swallowing the red pill has made me much more comfortable to be a leader, and at times and on some issues that means I turn into a benevolent dictator. I’m naturally much more frugal than my wife, and because of that I’ve become more demanding on what I feel is the best use of our combined funds. I’ve talked about this at times. We now have a decent emergency fund, automatic savings accounts for bigger ticket items including taxable investing, a college savings account, and each contribute about 15% to our company retirement plans. I think I’ve estimated our savings rate at about 20% (or more), and really feel we are leaking considerably more each month and year on stupid shit, and that’s where the rub lies. My wife would prefer to spend money on things that I feel have little value, and hence are invisible to me. And I’m too strict on the purse strings, and she’s too stubborn by half, so we fight over this.
Our most recent scruff was over a vacuum of all things, and it was a knock down, drag out affair. I don’t need to go into details, but I thought fixing our highly rated (by Consumer Reports) vacuum with a new belt would suffice, and my wife (who hated that vacuum but rarely used it) wanted to spend nearly $500 on a new one that better fit her needs. We have the money to do so, but it was the principle of the matter. So that fucking vacuum was a representation of the bigger issue: she felt I wasn’t allowing her to spend her money (that she earned) how she wanted and I thought she was being a wasteful spendy pants.
My view on money and on life has shifted some over the years, and I view it entirely as a tool. Financial freedom is my end goal, be that having enough to pursue just the endeavors we want or retirement (I’m not sure what the path will lead), but being happy in life along the way is just as important. I’m happy nearly every day in my current situation, feel I live in a total life of abundance and therefore need little to maintain that energy and vibe. Holly has more anxiety, and is a little more glass is half empty, and transfers those emotions to be by feeling that by controlling the financial ship I’m robbing her of happiness. For her, happiness comes from having things and acquiring those things. After her parents got divorced, she was pretty dang poor and didn’t have much. Not to play armchair therapist too much, but I’m sure that impacts how she sees the world today, just like my past impacts who I am today. It’s a psychological discrepancy as much as a financial one.
So in the end, we both compromise some. I like being married, and our life is pretty awesome, so when she wants to spend in ways I don’t agree with, I need to let her do that and not battle her on everything. That is hard for me as I do like to be in control and strongly feel I’m helping us reach our goals, but they aren’t her short term goals and I forget that sometimes. For her part, she begrudgingly recognizes the bigger picture, but frankly would rather work longer and spend more today than strive for earlier financial freedom. And Holly is working on herself. Yoga, podcasts on happiness, some more self-reflection are all new things I’ve seen her put more effort into this spring (without any input by me), and I hope that she finds her own contentment, ideally in doing rather than acquiring, but only she can control that. From this overall discussion, she has encouraged me to look at money not as something that is all or nothing in terms of financial freedom, or as a hindrance to pursuing more passionate goals including an atypical income stream. And that vantage point can be woven into our lives and my desire for freedom from the 9-5 can happen…but don’t stop her from buying shit she wants. And that is something I’m taking to heart. My intention is to volunteer more, and work on activities and in groups that help make the world a better place.
So that’s our situation. Money is the battleground, and each side advances and retreats, and this despite the fact we generally want the same thing. The problem comes in the details. But to advance a frugalistic Mr. Money Mustache lifestyle is impossible without a partner who buys in fully. You can’t just shove it down their throat, nor even gently nudge in that direction. If they are holding on to deep seeded beliefs about lack instead of abundance, there is no way you can cure them of that. Like most things, I’m finding it is better to work on myself and my own happiness, and let her do the same. And in the case of shared finances, to find a way to play nicely in that gray area of living/spending for today and saving for tomorrow.
But it isn’t easy. Hopefully your journey finds that same balance, and you’re able to find happiness today and tomorrow.
Peace.
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